There is No Valedictorian of “Motherhood”

I’m the first to admit that I am extremely competitive. I mean it: extremely. How competitive? Well I’ve been known to race people running on our local city hike and bike trails and I don’t even know them. It just gives me some sick satisfaction, that for even a few seconds, I was faster.

I was competitive during my pregnancy. As a person with diabetes, pregnancies for us are highly managed. I never missed a finger stick or an insulin dose or a walking session. I had to be perfect at pregnancy. It made my heart soar to hear one of my care team nurses say, “You’re a best patient! Your BG numbers are in range and you never miss a report.” Super shiny gold stars for me! I even joked that I was the Valedictorian of Pregnancy.

But I’ve learned something that I hate knowing is true: there is no Valedictorian of motherhood. That’s right. No one is the very best at it with the highest scores. Everyday mothers (and fathers) make decisions for their children based on what information they have that day and hope it was the best choice. Many times, we make those decisions and the outcome isn’t what we expect, or worse, the outcome is catastrophic.

I’ve been a mother for 18 months. I’ve been a mother in training for at least a couple of decades. Everyday, there is more and more pressure to be the best, to be Valedictorian. Mothers are given information in the media, on websites, on message boards and in chat rooms, from doctors and nurses and lactation consultants, and from books and magazines about the formula (no pun intended) for being the perfect mother. And if you’re the perfect mother then your child will come out of childhood perfect.

Life isn’t like that, though. Bad things happen. Children get sick. Children develop chronic conditions. Children are injured. Children even die. But does that make his mother a failure? It’s time to wake up and let go of the impossible.

In the Throes

I haven’t had any desire to update this blog and I’m feeling guilty about that. Things have just gotten busy around here. I’m in the full throes of stay-at-home-motherhood. I’ll be honest: it’s harder than I thought. And I even expected it to be hard.

Being a SAHM mom is rewarding and I feel gratitude that I’m able to manage it, at least financially. Emotionally? Most of the time I don’t have any second thoughts. It can get lonely around here if I’m not careful. I sometimes look forward to nap time just a little too much. I’ve been reading with such an appetite that I’m like a starving woman who just tasted food for the first time in a long time.

I think I would like to get motivated to move past playing blocks with Ben and reading the same 3 books to him, but he’s not complaining. He doesn’t always need me to keep him entertained (as I’m typing this, he’s putting a large envelope over his head and peeking out the little plastic address winder. Paper is breathable, right?)

Sometimes I feel like I am Ben’s game keeper more than his mother. I know he could use the interaction of other little guys/gals his age and we do attend to odd play date. He’s definitely going to a mother’s-day-out program this fall if for nothing else then it will give me the time to vacuum our carpet (we’re going on several weeks sans vaccum, people!)

Can I promise that I will be more diligent in updating this blog? Have I ever kept any promise I’ve made to that effect? There’s your answer. But I’ll be here from time to time. Have patience and if you have any good ideas for keeping an 18 month old entertained that doesn’t cost too much money or require us venturing out into the 100-plus degree heat, I’m all ears.

Sprinkler Day, Yay!

Friday was Ben’s last day at Mariposa and starting on Monday, he’ll be full time at home and I’ll be a stay at home mom (oy vey!) On Thursday, as an end-of-school treat the Nido class had some fun in the sprinkler. The other little ones were rightfully hesitant about jumping into the fun. Not Ben! He sidled right up to that sprinkler and just loved the water splashing him all over. He loved it so much that not five minutes into the whole event, he sat down on the gravel and bogarted the sprinkler head.

I Love You, Spring!

Please don’t go! I know it won’t be long before spring is overtaken and run out of town by the oppressive, balmy heat of Summer. This week has been an awesome few days of sub-80 degree weather, clear skies, and generally dry air.

Why am I writing a post about weather? I don’t know really. I think I felt guilty about not having blogged in so long. You would think I’d have the time (being unemployed and such), but I’ve managed to get myself committed to activities that are keeping me busier than a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest. And I’m loving it!

This week I’m improving our living space. I’m adding wall art (from IKEA), a lamp from Lowes/Home Depot, and sprucing up Ben’s nursery. I’m amazed at what a few decorative pillows can do to make me like a couch I have mixed feelings about. When I’m done, I’ll post photos.

TTFN

Oh Yeah! Feelin’ Good!

I was tooling through iTunes the other night trying to find interesting music to workout to. You can search keywords like “workout” or “running” or “walking” and these things called iMixes show up. Most of it is your usual dance mix pop stuff, but one mix came up that I thought was pretty clever. Interlaced with things like Beyonce and Rhianna where 1:30 to 3 minute segments of military cadences. Clever because these cadences are perfect for running the Galloway way. Perfect for running the training routes for a half-marathon (or a full, if you’re so inclined). I didn’t really like the pop selections but I really love the cadences! You can find a ton of them on iTunes, just in case you’re looking for a little motivation. They also help to really keep your pace regular thus keeping the fledgling runner from pooping out too soon.

So you’re probably thinking What’s all this nonsense about running, young lady?

Let me explain, in a round about way. Andrew and I want to have another baby. In order for me to get preggers again with a minimum of trouble, I need to get fit. In order for me to feel motivated to get fit, I need a goal. Since there aren’t any 10K races between now and the time we want to get pregnant, I’m going to run my first half-marathon (Feb. 14, 2010 if you’d like to know. Feel free to come on down and cheer me on. I wouldn’t mind at all!)

I want to do something big. Something that I know, if I’m not very careful, could seriously beat me. Beat me hard. I’m a very capable person, and trust me, this isn’t self-horn-tooting. With a combination of skill, perseverance, and luck, I’ve been able to successfully accomplish whatever I wanted to. But running…running has always been my Everest. I see runners on the road, in races, on the trails around my city, and I’m envious. They have such a commanding air of athleticism, something I’ve always wanted. But I’m a Rhino chasing a Unicorn. There are zero gazelles in my blood line. Truth is, I have a gazelle’s heart, but I guess I’ve always let the reality of a gazelle’s heart in rhino’s body hold me back from even trying.

So here it is. I’m a Runnin’ Rhino, baby. I’m an Athena. I’m a runner. In 10 months, I will be a half-marathoner. Hopefully, not long after that, I’ll add “mother of two” to that list.

Oh yeah, I’m feeling good!

PS: Here’s my beginner run/walk mix, if you’re interested. You jog on the cadence and walk during the songs. Add more frequent/long cadences to increase your run portion. You can purchase any of these from iTunes.

1. Dani California (Red Hot Chili Peppers) — 4:42
2. Part 2: Got a lot of Motivation (Run to Cadence) — 1:45
3. Copa de la Vida (Ricky Martin) — 4:30
4. Part 1: Pt! Gimmer Some! (Run to Cadence) — 1:47
5. Don’t Stop Believin’ (Journey) — 4:09
6. Part 1: Oh Yeah! Feelin’ Good (Run to Cadence) — 1:39
7. Viva La Vida (Coldplay) — 4:04
8. Hard Work (Run to Cadence) — 2:04
9. Here We Go (Airborne Ranger) (Run to Cadence) — 1:41
10. Freedom (George Michael) — 6:31
Total time — 32:48

Dancing with the Stars – Eat Your Heart Out

In Which I Redeem Myself By Updating

I’ve been gone awhile from here (though not by a record amount. I think I’ve been deliquent once before for more than 2 months.) It’s been just a strange and crazy few months.

I have a lot to do catching y’all up on life around the Litt house. Ben is now 15 months old (which means I’ve missed 4 letters. I’ll get to those ASAP) and finally walking. I say “finally” because so many of his peers have been walking by at least 1 year and being the woman I am, I can’t deny that I wasn’t a little concern (nevermind that his physician was not even the tiniest bit worried.)

Since there is a lot to catch everyone up on, I’m just going to bullet everything out. It seems to work so much better than a rambling narrative, so here we go:

1) I’m no longer employed. The company I used to work for, just like every other high tech company these days, had to make the difficult decision to reduce its workforce. With generosity, the executives offered employees a voluntary separation package before moving on to forced layoffs. It seemed like it was a sign and I knew that I would probably be riffed anyway, so I took the “package.”

2) So now I’m a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom or, if you prefer, Dooce’s definition, which I kind of like.) Well actually I’m more of a stay-at-home-mom-sans-kid. Ben is still at daycare until the end of April. It’s daunting to me sometimes this whole domestic position. It’ll be interesting to see how well I do at this new career.

3) I’m AMAZED by all the SAHM in my neighborhood! And better than that, they all know each other. And even better than that, they are very welcoming and open to new SAHM and their little ones. It’s possible to have just as full a calendar with playdates and lessons and lunches as I did when I was in the business world (though my meetings then were far less fun than I imagine the playdates will be.)

4) Ben is going to be having surgery in May. The details aren’t that important other than to say that a) it’s an outpatient procedure and b) considered to be “routine.” However it does freak my sh*t out if I think about it too much.

I’ll get those letters out as soon as I can (that’s for you, Mom.) I’ll keep you posted about our new endeavor!

The Post Where I Realize I’m a Turd

I’ve missed Ben’s 12 and 13 month letters. I’m a turd. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and haven’t been in the mood to write, but I’m sure it’s a temporary block.

I’m going to take a little break from this blog until things settle down at work (i.e. impending layoffs. We’re all sitting under the sword of Damocles’) and I’ve got a better handle on what’s happening.

Who knows? I might have a post screaming “Woman Gives Corp. the Finger – Moves to the Seychelles” or maybe you’ll find out I’ve started my own event business or joined the Junior League and now I’m a professional Lady Luncher.

Whatever the outcome, I’ll be in touch soon.

Letter to Ben: Month 11

My darling sweet Ben,
I’ve really done it this time. In less than a week, you’ll turn one and I’m just now getting to your 11-month old letter. It won’t take you long to learn that Mommy tends to put things off.

You’ve gone from baby to big boy in what seems like a millisecond. Month 11 was just fascinating to Daddy and me as we watched you grow, grow, grow. You’ve mastered crawling and have turned it into a competitive sport. In fact, one of your favorite games is to play Mommy-Chase-Ben where I get on the floor and crawl after you. Granted I can cover more ground than you can (that’s really just a result of me being really big and you being small) but you are still so fast! You’ll stop on your escape route long enough to check how far I am behind you and my favorite thing to do is sneak right up on you and start to snuggle your neck. You giggle in anticipation even before I kiss you. By far this game is my favorite.

Your crawling is out of this world but so is your eating. You’ve really graduated from mushy veggies and fruits to full-on grown-up food. Off course we’re still trying to get you to understand the concept of bite-chew-swallow before getting another piece of food, but you’ll learn in time. In the meantime, you’re content to stuff as many bits of whatever we’re feeding you into your mouth all at once. You’ve really come to love a variety of flavorful foods: grilled cheese sandwiches, veggie burgers, noodles, carrots, apple sauce, green beans, and pancakes. It is so fun to watch you eat, so methodical at picking up the little morsels and putting them in your mouth. Next step – sippy cup.

My little Ben McCartney, you got your first real salon haircut this weekend. Your luscious chocolate locks are now trimmed to a handsome little boy haircut. At last night’s Hanukah party, you were a hit but my how you looked so grown up. A striped long-sleeved onesie and blue corduroy overalls and your new hair cut – what a big boy!

Today, Daddy is home with you as your school is closed for winter break. I’m at work, obviously not working, but thinking back on the last year. I’m honored to be the woman you chose to be your mother. I think about the last 360 days and how excited and frightened, joyful and sad I’ve been every day since you came into my life.

My sweet Ben, we have so much ahead of us; walking and talking, running and playing pretend, you getting to be a big brother (fingers crossed!) and me getting to be your guide through it all.

I love you my darling one; my sweet prince.

Mil besos,
Mama

Handsome Boy

I inherited my father-in-law’s digital SLR when he passed away. My mother-in-law couldn’t fathom selling it, so she asked if I could make good use of the camera. Well, with the help of one my dad’s many lenses and a polarizing filter, viola! Said camera has been put to very good use. 

These photos were taken this morning out on the trail at Hamilton Pool.  Ben seemed to really have a good time, though I know what he really loved was eating the twigs, pebbles, and leaves more than smiling for the camera. Such a boy!